True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
