She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
