i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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