when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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