his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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