My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
