So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
