Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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