we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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