he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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