we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
