You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
