i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
