I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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