Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
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Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
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I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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