We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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