In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
question - sack: should she or should she not play with it during foreplay?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
