Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
