Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
