turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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