He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
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He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
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He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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