I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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