i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
