Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Randomize
