She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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