There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
