So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
