I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
