Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Randomize
