so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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