why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
