I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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