you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
