I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Randomize
