i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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