I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
