If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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