I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
