I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
