He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
