I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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