this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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