Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
