Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
