apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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