Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
