he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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