I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
