I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
