My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
