it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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