I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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