I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
