he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
