He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
