In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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